[R1] neither of them turned (fix-it AU for wherehopegoes)

[candor1]

They held each other close and turned their backs upon the end,
The hills that split asunder and the black that ate the skies,
The flames that shot so high and hot that even dragons burned,
Would never be the final sights that fell upon their eyes,
A fly upon a wall, the waves the sea wind whipped and churned,
The city of a thousand years, and all that men had learned,
The Doom consumed them all alike and neither of them turned.

~ George R R Martin

They held each other and waited for the end.

The sound of a shuttle and a voice calling their names almost got dismissed as hallucination. …Either way: Cassian physically couldn't have gotten up again.

Bodhi was a good pilot. He didn't need Kay's calculations to know it would take time they didn't have to land and liftoff again. So even though you never do this lest you decapitate someone or crush them or burn them to a crisp, in the face of the oncoming kyberwave, there was nothing to lose by bringing the shuttle to hover right above them. And the new KX unit who was now Kaytuesso (—the unit's previous mind had been obliterated already by being hacked for the map, so Kay, for all he'd always expressed distaste for such practice before, in the face of the scenarios he was running, had created backup of himself to aid in extraction) reached down and yanked them both off the ground to the shuttle deck.

They were caught by Baze. Who put an arm around Jyn and laid Cassian down next to Chirrut as Kay slammed closed the hatches and Bodhi sent the shuttle screaming for space.

The adrenaline that had kept Cassian going was all gone. He didn't seem to be bleeding, but he must have been, internally… the way the color was draining from his face. Kay seemed unbelievably unconcerned when he announced that Cassian was unlikely to make it to any med facility, before going to help Bodhi pilot them away.

It had been a warning to Baze, in case he needed to restrain anybody, when Cassian stopped breathing and his heart went still, lying on the deck.


Kay really should have explained that the Yavin 4 med team could resuscitate people up to an hour after death. (It was the last time for a while that they could; the Hoth facility would be inequipped, and the Alliance's main source for expensive resources, Bail Organa, was about to run dry.) He was helping Cassian by helping pilot them there as quickly as possible to minimize degradation.

After resuscitation, surgeries, and a lot of bacta immersion, Cassian was physically stabilized but in a medically-induced coma to restore full brain function. When Princess Leia brought home the plans and the pilots Skywalker and Solo. When the Death Star appeared in Yavin's sky. Then turned to dust in it.

He got to miss out on the fun of the awful in-between: with Leia was captured, Alderaan destroyed, the Alliance fleet gutted, and many doubting that the plans had existed at all—a small part of their rage at Rogue One (but Jyn and Cassian in particular) for leaving them with so few ships and specialized agents to throw at any of it. If not for Baze and a serenely recovering Chirrut to serve as a buffer, it was hard to know what would have happened to Jyn and Cassian eventually, and perhaps Kay and Bodhi immediately.

But the Death Star was dust. The Rebellion had been on the verge of disbanding or extinction and had now made history. Such a victory transmuted any sins that had led to it.

They were invited to the medal ceremony for Skywalker, Chewbacca, and Solo. Princess Leia wanted to give them medals too.

Kaytu declined while Cassian was still unconscious. Now that he wasn't a target himself, he'd resumed his protector post.

At Bodhi's urging, Kay gave Jyn alone time at Cassian's side, when she wanted it.

It was during one of those when Cassian finally woke up.

Comments

[wherehopegoes]

They had done what they could to transmit the plans. Now it was up to those who had received them to take care of the rest. At least they could rest easy in that fact. At least they could meet the end together. Jyn wished, albeit fleetingly, that she and Cassian could have had more time, but that just hadn't seemed to be their lot in life.

At least they had this, now, and Jyn was going to hold on until she couldn't anymore.

And then, out of nowhere, the ship appeared, like something out of a fever dream, and Jyn didn't believe it was even real even as the cargo bay door opened and there was Kay - how, she wanted to demand, she'd been there when he'd died, she'd seen the anguish in Cassian's face ... instead stubbornly insisting that he get Cassian aboard before her, yelping indignantly as he chose to ignore her wishes in favor of wrenching them up and out of the sand and onto the ship as quickly as possible before the cloud of destruction enveloped them whole.

Baze did need to hold Jyn back as she watched the life drain from Cassian's body, screaming for someone to do something, why wasn't anybody trying to help, only letting her go once she went slack and slid to the floor besides Cassian - she refused to think of him as Cassian's body - sobbing the most heart-wrenching sobs as she curled her fingers into his shirt, holding tight, desperately praying to deities and forces that she wasn't even sure that she believed in to bring him back, bring him back to her, she would do anything if he just took a breath again, opened his eyes, anything.

But he didn't. And in the chaos after landing as everyone was rushed to medbay for examinations and treatments, no one bothered telling Jyn that hope was not lost until days later, when curled up and weeping in her bed, she was told that although unconscious, he was stable enough for her to see. From that point on, she barely left his side, unless it was absolutely necessary.

She hardly cared what happened to her, and if she had to march in front of the Council and throw herself at their mercy if only they would spare her friends - the unexpected family she'd found in the time leading up to Scarif. It was her mission, as unauthorized as it had been. It was her fault that so many had lost their lives in the course of finding and sending the Death Star plans - ultimately, though, it was unnecessary because the plans had found themselves in the right hands, and however unexpectedly, the imminent danger it posed disappeared in a brilliant explosion.

Jyn declined attending the ceremony in favor of sitting at Cassian's side, as she was wont to do, holding his hand and wondering if he even heard a word that she was saying - words that maybe she'd never be brave enough to say if he actually could.

When he woke up, she would be at his side, dozing fitfully.

[candor1]

Cassian's hand twitched. After a moment, his thumb moved, running over the hand holding his. It was part ingrained method: gather any information available. Human in shape and skin type… smaller than mine… rough from lifetime of hard use… scar there… trigger-finger callous…

It was part… true, simple… reflex… because… comforting and… trusted… … known

He opened his eyes.

His vision was too blurred. He had to deduce that the brownish blur, combined with the give of the mattress, was a head resting beside him on the bed…

…and… just knew…

His voice came out whisperish from bacta denaturation.

But… wondering.

"Jyn?"

[wherehopegoes]

The twitch wasn't alarming, nor was it anything new. It didn't alert Jyn to the prospect that Cassian might finally have healed enough after various surgeries and bacta treatments to wake up. It wasn't until she felt his thumb move, carefully touching her and taking in the feel of her that she knew that he'd emerged from the depths of his slumber.

Her breath caught, but at first, Jyn didn't make a move. Because ... what if he didn't want her there? Because what if what she thought had been developing between them before - before almost dying - had only manifested because of the situation, and not any real feelings, and -

She was overthinking things. Cassian hadn't let go of her hand yet. And when he said her name, despite the hoarse misuse coloring his voice, it was still the most beautiful thing she'd ever heard.

Gently, she squeezed his hand in response, and slowly lifted her head so that she could take him in more fully, her eyes clear, despite the concerned expression on her face.

"Cassian. You're awake."

[candor1]

It would be impossible for any being—of any species or temperament—to see his eyes on her, and interpret their look as him not wanting her there.

(Or the emotion in them not being real.

Or being anything less than abject incredulous adoration)

He whispered back, "And you're alive."

[wherehopegoes]

It would be equally impossible for any being that was the least bit sentient to mistake Jyn as being anything other than utterly and totally overcome by ... what ... relief and the sheer joy that Cassian was breathing, watching her, talking to her ...

Anything other than as still and as silent as he'd been on the frantic return to base in the wake of Scarif.

"I am", she answered, the words a rush on a breath that could only be called shaky. Alive, but not without her own fair share of injuries. Singed, the doctors had said, her new short, choppy hair and shiny pink patches of burnt and healing skin testament to the fact that they had only made it out by the skin of their teeth.

"You weren't, for a while. And I - "

Was inconsolable.

Didn't want to live without you.

I need you.

[candor1]

He wasn't ready to go back to the beach. Part of him would probably never be able to leave it again. He didn't want to remember but too late: holding each other, hearing the engine and shout, knowing he couldn't do it, but…

Go, Jyn! You must go!

He'd seen her lose two fathers in two days. The only thing that had gotten him somehow standing again, dragging himself to extraction, was his determination not to do more of that to her. He wouldn't subject her to his own Saw Gerrera impersonation.

His hand tightened gently on hers. He wished he could somehow keep ahold of it and also touch her face. Four of his fingers subconsciously flexed with that desire, reaching toward whatever they could—perhaps a stray strand of her hair—while his thumb stayed curled, almost protectively, on her hand.

He understood.

Too well to say I'm sorry. He didn't want her to have to comfort him. Not on his dying. The one who died was never the one who bore the pain of that. It was those who survived that…

…

Those who survived?

Voice still cursedly hoarse, though gaining a bit of volume: "Is there anyone else?"

[wherehopegoes]

They had probably left some small parts of themselves behind, and taken some small parts with them. And for as much as Jyn never wanted to dredge up those particular memories again, she knew that she would never be able to forget - that every time she looked at Cassian, she'd be reminded of how close she had come to losing him ...

And her own life, as well.

They were lucky - all of them - to have survived. It had been a miracle of the highest order, all the moreso that Cassian was awake and alert and talking to her, holding her hand, warm and real and very, very alive.

And she wanted - too much. She wanted to hold on like she was never going to let go again. She wanted to get so much closer. She wanted to kiss him silly, like she should have done on that lift, to tell him not to scare her like that again, to ask that he promise that he would never leave her again, even though she knew that keeping such a promise in the middle of war was ... at the very least ... tempting fate.

Then he asked after the survivors, and Jyn wished she could offer better news. They'd lost so many, and even though the Death Star had been destroyed, there was still a very palpable sense of loss within what was left of the Rebellion.

"Not many", she softly replied, referring to the Battle of Scarif. "... We were fortunate. Baze and Chirrut. Bodhi. Kay. Still with us."

[candor1]

Cassian's eyes widened. "Kay? How—?" But being startled turned into a fit of coughing. Hastily, through it, Cassian's hand left Jyn's to feel around the monitor and press its silencer before his wracking could alert any medstaff. Then fumbled to take Jyn's hand again, holding it steady while the rest of him rode out the rest of the fit.

"Don't call anyone," he whispered, catching his breath, finally coming down. "They'd make you leave. I don't want you to."

[wherehopegoes]

Kay would have to offer the answers that Cassian was looking for - it wasn't as though Jyn hadn't been shocked and overwhelmed to learn that the droid had 'survived' Scarif, too, but the truth was, she was far more concerned with Cassian, far more tied up in her own grief and worry to be able to devote much of her attention to anyone else.

Not that she didn't check up on everyone from time to time, not that they didn't talk when Cassian was going through another treatment or surgery, not that they didn't speak about their recoveries, their own worries and fears, and wondering what they would do now, if they wanted to stay or go, if there was even a place for them now ...

But that didn't matter now. Cassian was in the midst of a coughing fit and Jyn didn't know what to do or if anything could be done, and she was so on edge and so helpless and all she could do was watch as it slowly subsided, nod her agreement that she would not alert anyone to this ... what she hoped was momentary distress.

"They'd have to sedate me to remove me, Cassian. I'm not leaving you again."